We Don't Look For Heaven
by Queen Tzahra
Summary: My gift as a backup Santa for Clamp Secret Santa 2016: X ending speculation. Looking out over the ruins of Tokyo, Kamui reflects on what's happened, on Fuuma, on their choices.


**Hello! Happy (VERY BELATED) Clamp Secret Santa!**

In my defense, this was a back up gig, I like to think I wouldn't intentionally screw up a deadline that badly. Anyway! This prompt was "X Ending Speculation," and I was SO excited about it! I guess there isn't much else to say about it except this is my opinion, feel free to discuss or disagree!

I hope my santee likes it!

The title is from This Is What Makes Us Girls by Lana Del Rey

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It was just over a year, though it could have been a minute or a century, since Kamui had come back here. He'd stood on top of Tokyo Tower in the middle of the night and looked out over the city, an endless sea of lights, smog and sin.

' _I'm home, mother_ …'

Now, he was standing again at the top of Tokyo Tower, though it was buried almost completely in dust and debris, and looking out over the barren wasteland, a dry sea of sand and ruins. He was wrapped in a hooded cloak and his gaze was fixed upon the blood red sunset. A cruel wind blew, picking up dust that skinned his exposed face. He pulled the robe up over his nose and mouth, though he kept his eyes open, watching and waiting.

He felt someone approach him from behind, their footsteps swept away in the wind. He said nothing until he felt them right beside him, and it was only when they placed a gloved hand on his shoulder that he realized it was Subaru. "Come back this way, where the wind's not so strong." Kamui said nothing. He knew Subaru was watching him, just like the other Dragons of Heaven (if you could even still call them that) from where they were clustered around more of the ruins, guarding the Divine Sword. "Waiting here isn't going to make him show up any faster." Again, Kamui said nothing. Another gust of wind blew, picking up more dust and swirling it around them like a dismal tornado, but it wasn't quite loud enough to mask Subaru's sigh. "You're still angry with me, aren't you?" Kamui's chest constricted.

"It doesn't matter anyway, it was going to happen." He watched Subaru out of the corner of his eye. He was looking down, his gaze far away. It reminded Kamui of how he'd looked after Seishiro's death, after he'd lost what he'd most wanted to protect.

"Even though it was my choice?" Subaru asked. Kamui didn't reply at once. It was true that it had been Subaru's choice to take Seishiro's eye, to replace him as both the Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth. It might have seemed like nothing but his decision, except that all of the Dragons of Heaven had followed a similar path afterwards.

"I don't want to debate that right now," Kamui said, still not looking at Subaru. "You could say either way, 'choice means nothing in the face of destiny' or 'destiny only happens because our choices make it so.' Ultimately, who gives a damn? We're here now, aren't we?" Yet another gust of wind blew, tossing about more dust and debris. Kamui pulled his robe more tightly around him.

"You're right, I'm sorry," Subaru said, quietly, after a moment. Kamui replied with an impatient noise in his throat. Silence fell between them again, and he caught some of what the others were saying, their words carried over on the sharp, spiteful air. Their voices were familiar, almost comforting, even now, despite everything that had happened.

One by one, a Dragon of Earth would die. Then each Dragon of Heaven would lose their reason to protect humanity, and would be led over to the other side. After Subaru it had been Arashi, once Nataku had been killed and she was no longer able to draw her sword. Fuuma had given her the power back, just as he'd given Subaru Seishiro's eye, just as he'd given each Dragon of Heaven what they'd most wished for.

' _I was born for your sake_ ,' Fuuma had said, just before he had awakened as Kamui of Earth. At the time, Kamui hadn't understood what that meant. All he knew was that his best friend had been lost and that he wanted to get him back. Now though, he knew Fuuma wasn't just born for his sake. Fuuma was born for everyone's sake, so that he could grant wishes, be who you needed him to be. Of course, Fuuma had been that way before his awakening: he did everything for everyone else and asked for nothing in return except their happiness.

It made Kamui's heart ache with sympathy, even though Fuuma had destroyed every kekkai and brought about the end of the world as they knew it. Despite saying he obeyed no one, Kamui had always felt like a tool or an instrument of something greater, more a plot point than a character in his own story. However, he now felt Fuuma was much more deserving of that sympathy: Kamui had at least been given the illusion of choice, where as Fuuma was just to play whatever the opposite role was, to be what Kamui needed. It seemed what he'd always taken for Fuuma's strength and selflessness was really just emptiness. Now Kamui knew he'd been grieving someone who was not only gone, but had perhaps never even existed.

At last, he looked up at Subaru, the only other person who could really, truly understand what that was like. He turned to Kamui, and he seemed to refocus, breaking out of his thousand yard stare. They looked at each other hard in the face, and Kamui's chest constricted again. Even though he had lost Fuuma and Kotori, what he had wanted to protect, he wouldn't stop fighting. Whether it meant his own death or the rebirth of the Earth and all of humanity, Kamui knew he would defeat Fuuma. He looked around at his comrades, those other souls forced to bare witness to all of this, and the knowledge seemed to take root inside him, giving him strength. It wasn't to protect them or himself or anyone else and it didn't matter if it was destiny or choice. It was what it was. It was what he would do.

Another sharp breeze blew up around them, stronger than the others, and Kamui had to shield his eyes to protect them from dust and debris as he returned his gaze to the horizon. In the distance, he could see a lone figure, silhouetted against the burning sun. His eyes narrowed and his heart began to beat faster. "He's here." He heard Subaru gasp beside him.

"Should I tell the others?"

"Yes," Kamui said, his eyes still fixed upon Fuuma, walking serenely across the sea of sand and ruin. Subaru called over his shoulder and the other Dragons of Heaven sprang up at once, hurrying towards Kamui. He reached out without speaking and someone handed him the Divine Sword. "None of you interfere," he told them, his voice low and serious. Then, his lip curling, "I'll kill _him_ myself."

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Thank you so much for reading!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


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